In early 2019, months after my visit, the group's founder, Sanjoy Sachdev, was arrested for allegedly extorting money from couples in his care. This was a shelter run by the Love Commandos, a vigilante group that helps Indians avoid arranged marriages, rescues them from possible harm at the hands of their families - even including so-called honor killings - and helps them elope with a partner of their own choosing. They told me truncated versions of their love stories, glossing over the violence they'd escaped and emphasizing the relief they felt at reaching relative safety. When I turned on my microphone, they were courteous, if curt. The lovers - four couples - blinked in the light when I opened the door. The mint-green walls were streaked with handprints and grime. They crowded cross-legged onto foam floor mats in a windowless room, their knees touching. ![]() NEW DELHI - Five years ago, up a steep staircase in a seedy part of India's capital, I met eight beleaguered young lovers. Getty Images and NPR/Photo illustration: Vartika Sharma for NPR At its worst, breaking the custom of arranged marriage can mean being disowned by one’s family.Saumil and Zarina sit on the floor at the Love Commandos shelter in New Delhi. Youth who attend American schools and are immersed in Western culture still can experience extreme pressure from older relatives to marry someone from back home of the same religion and caste. These traditions and values span social class: The high level of educational and professional achievement in Indian immigrant populations can disguise how deeply traditional they are in their personal lives. More than 87 percent of Indian Americans are foreign-born, and ties to relatives and communities back home mean customs like arranged marriage and the shame of divorce continue to be enforced across oceans and through generations. Though it’s not clear exactly how many such unions exist in the United States, we know that South Asians are part of the fastest-growing racial group here, and about 70 percent of Indian marriages are arranged. The divorce stigma often is most severe in cases of arranged marriage. In some communities, what’s needed is more divorce, not less. So while many are cheering about the falling divorce rates in the United States, this isn’t good news for all. ![]() ![]() If their families oppose the divorce, they may be left with no place to go and no means of supporting themselves and their children. ![]() The divorce taboo has particularly severe consequences for women who have no financial resources of their own. In conservative families, a divorced woman is often viewed as pariah or harbinger of bad luck. Sometimes, they stop receiving invitations to family functions, and when they do attend, they’re made a target of relatives’ shaming. Divorcees often are isolated from their families, an object of mingled pity and disdain. While parents and siblings might show sympathy over an unhappy marriage, divorce is often considered beyond the pale. Husbands and wives are forced by social pressure originating 8,000 miles away to stay in emotionally unhealthy and abusive relationships. Chitra’s story, and the emotional suffering of other South Asian men and women whom I help as a counselor, show why those numbers are so concerning.
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